I have shared in another blog post our journey to getting pregnant, which I wrote just after finding out that I was actually pregnant! It was important to me to write about our journey towards pregnancy as soon after finding out that I was pregnant because I was quite sure that soon I would forget the details, emotions and feelings during that struggle.
That is the thing, our brain works in quirky ways. Our brain can be so good at remembering the past’s wonders and leave behind the bad times, which is both a treat and other times a hurdle. A hurdle can arise if we are at the time of the event unable to process the impact on us. The brain digs it down, hide it away from us, leaving us with an unfinished job. If we forget all along, we are unable to set ourselves free from this past memory and to fully understand ourselves, reactions and behaviour. But that is a whole other blog post.
Today I want to tell you about my first trimester and the feeling of being only half pregnant.
Perhaps you read along on the previous post about our path to pregnancy. But really, for us, it took a while to get pregnant. So when I was going to a concert with a friend and thought of drinking a beer, I took a pregnancy test, just to ensure that I wasn’t pregnant. I was expecting my period to arrive, it was just a couple of days late. As I was constantly excited about the possibility of being pregnant, I had got used to the fact, that my period got postponed a bit. So I bought this pregnancy test in the supermarket, which I always feel a bit awkward about, I am not sure why, they just make me nervous, but also excited. I think it’s the whole “technically I could be pregnant” idea, the unknown part about it, that makes me super thrilled. So anyway, I got home and peed in a glass and dip the end of the stick, added the little lid after 10 seconds and waited 50 seconds. And voila, first time ever a pregnancy test I took showed positive. And my response was: silence. I looked into the mirror to give myself the news, "you are pregnant". Still, a silence as my only response. Then I went to our meditation room and sat on my cushion to check in with little baby.
So I been doing a fair amount of yoga and meditation, and so when reading women’s stories about knowing instantly at conception that they were pregnant, I thought that that would be my story as well. Also, I’ve been listening in on a lot of birth podcasts and how a lot of women choose to not go for any scans and rather feel their way through the pregnancy, giving space to feel and notice their body. It all sounded so beautiful to me and I had thought that perhaps I wanted to do it like that as well. So, I sat there on my cushion, observing and noticing - but I didn’t feel anything. I just couldn’t meditate my way into my child’s awareness. Nor did I really feel pregnant and definitely had no idea of when conception had happened. All I wanted was for someone to scan me right now and tell me that this is true, that I am pregnant and that everything is good. Inside I was screaming "heeey someone come and scan me, I am here!"
I didn’t tell anybody anything that evening!
Will was in England with his family. So I just had a calm evening by self, I guess not by myself anymore. I decided that I was going to take another pregnancy test in the morning to just double check if it’s was really true.
I went to bed and didn’t sleep, I was too excited. Though I was silence. Inside my head, I was having a party! But I still wasn't sure that I could celebrate. I tried to sleep but at 4 o’clock I couldn’t wait any longer with another test, so I peed, dipped and waited.
Again it showed positive!
.....And then I didn’t really know what to do? Like? What do you do then? How do I know it’s really real?! My next step was to call the doctor. I called up and told the secretary that I think I am pregnant. The kind lady on the phone responded in a calm voice and asked for my first day in my last period. Then she gave me an appointment 8 weeks later, congratulated me and reminded me to transfer my medical journal from my previous doctor. Then she finished the conversation. Again I stood there, alone, feeling unsure whether it was all real??
I then called Will..
...and told him the news. Will was on a business trip in the UK. He was fully booked with courses and events from early morning to late evenings, all days. So upon me telling him the news, in a 10 minute break he had, he just asked me why I was telling him that now? And then we didn’t talk more about that, not in that phone call, nor in the days following. But I can only imagine how surreal it was for Will. He was away and he had no physical connection to being pregnant. It was so overwhelming to be told that. I felt as if I was half pregnant, he must have felt like 10% pregnant then. Or even less!
I decided to tell a friend, I wanted to tell it to these two special people in my life, but they were both miles away and I really needed a real physical hug! I had a homework appointment with a friend from school and I whispered it to her just outside the library. She was so sweet and gave me a big tight hug, the one I just really needed and told me how excited she was.
As I biked home, I kind of felt guilty for telling her. What if it wasn’t real at all? What if I lost the child? Had I just created unnecessary drama? It was an odd feeling.
The days after many pregnancy signs arrived, it made me excited, because it gave me a physical feeling and place to root reality in.
I am writing you this from the first trimester. I am still here. Now 8 weeks and 4 days. And it doesn’t feel more real. Apart from I am already looking big, which makes no sense as the app are all telling my baby is the size of a silkworm or a snail. I am bigger than my friend who’s carrying a baby the size of a puppy. Tomorrow I have my first doctor appointment, and I am hoping she can assure me that it is all real, that I am not just making up all the symptoms. Which I do worry about sometimes. What if it’s just all a big placebo effect? So I still take a pregnancy test every now and again. Just to make sure. I have put the positive test by the mirror so I see it every day.
I can sit all day and daydream about little baby.
HOPE & TRUST
Apart from the sore breast, feeling nauseous, fatigued, on the edge to tears and a pulling feeling in my belly, I have no clue whether it really is real?! I am so hopeful that baby will stay, and every day I feel is a little victory we had together. Baby is still there and I got out of bed. Just getting out of bed has been overwhelming some days. I have been moving away from the mat and the longer meditations due to feeling so tired and nauseous. This week I have been slowly coming back to the practice and are able to move gently and relieve some pains from my lower back. I am trying to concentrate on schoolwork, but I get lost searching the internet for baby beds, duvets, books and prams. I am about to present two 4-day workshops followed by our 7 days retreat in Spain. But whenever I try to prepare I get lost in my wondering thoughts planning children parties and treasure hunts. I am so lacking motivation to do much else than just sitting or lying in bed, holding my belly feeling moments of intense love, only taken over by moments of intense urge to vomit or violently hungry the next minute.
To my first trimester, I want to be present with you and enjoy. But I am holding back, what if it was all too good to be true.
I try to keep active, which is hard. I ensure I bike or walk every day. I am finding ways to move through a yoga practice, but my body is new to me, and it takes time to trust it fully. I eat lots of fruits, as it’s the only thing that leaves me feeling good. I can’t get anything sweet down, though normally I am such a sweet-lover. I haven’t had a cup of tea or even hot water as the thought of it is enough to give me goosebumps. I have watched 46 episodes of a tv series. I try and read, even watch films but I can’t keep concentration. I am so happy and content just sitting silently staring out of the window. I think I will do that right now actually, and perhaps eat some more fruit for dinner!
Stills feels like I am half pregnant.
Oh! And I’ve totally sorted out the cheapest most environmentally friendly solution to the whole nappy part of having a baby. I am excited to try it out!
37 WEEKS PREGNANT
I am posting this post as I am coming up to my 37th week of pregnancy. Baby is still here. We are both in love and ready to welcome this little wonder into a beautiful world. All this love and birth comes with lots of thoughts on fear and death as well. It is the most spiritual journey I have been on until this day.
We have planned a homebirth, kept on travelling and teaching retreats, we have chosen to opt-out on scans, knowing the gender and medical interventions as far as it makes sense and is unnecessary. We are also learning about elimination communication, a loving and kind practice of parent-baby communication and awareness about the baby's elimination need. We both feel really good about these decisions. We look forward to sharing our further experiences with you!